My life, part one

I thought i'd start by writing a little about my life. I'm going to try to mention things that i think have had an impact on be and "created" my disorder.

I was born in 1977 a few days after Elvis died, i don't remember being born or anything atall the first couple of years but i guess no one does so that's cool. My first memories are of looking ot my window at our back garden., it was sunny. It was nice.
I have a few negative memories of my first four years, or three, not sure. The all revolve around food or the dinner table. The one that really sticks out is my dad telling me off when i got the names wrong for carrots and parsnips. All through being a kid i remember mealtimes being very emotional and getting a lot of bad feeling from my dad. Another one was getting trapped in my bedroom one morning. The door handle was too high for me to reach so i piled up teddies and toys to stand on so i could reach the handle but when i did the toys were all in the way so i still couldn't open the door. I was trapped! Even now if i feel trapped i will react in bad behaviour.
I think through primary school my life was fairly uneventful apart from a few incidences of getting caught smoking at school and the time i got caught throwing ninja stars at school. But there was always a feeling going on in me that i was not good enough for my dad. Never was a high achiever in my classes because i was too easily distracted from the lessons by silly things.
When i went up to senior school at the age of eleven i remember that it felt a little overwhelming. New school, new faces, being in the bottom year etc. One distinct memory from school is a group of girls calling me ugly. This really stuck with me for a long time, right up till now i suppose.
As a kid i used to do all the fun stuff that kids do, riding my mountain bike through woods, skate boarding, watching films and kids tv... and i had friends most of the time too, i tended to gravitate towards the wrong ones, the ones who were smoking at lunchtime and i used to get in trouble a lot. Once i gotin trouble for setting a girl on fire in a science lesson when she called me gay. (I only set her on fire a little bit...)
Another striking memory is my dad used to call my mum "chunky" as a nick-name, term of endearment i suppose... But it really stuck with me without me realising. (Later through counselling and naval gazing i've realised i took this to mean fat was unacceptable if i wanted to be accepted by my dad). My early teens had a few episodes where i restricted my food pretty severely. I didn't want to get caught so i would sit and play with my food at the dinner table eating tiny bits then hide it once everyone else had gone. To be honest i can't remember how long i did this for but i know i would starve and then binge on sweets at the weekend when i got paid for my paper round.

Well, anyway. I finished school at 15 years old and got terrible results and was heading off to college to retake my GCSE's. Again, new people, new friends but this time something was different. I discovered that i had a talent for taking drugs. Taking them to the extreme meant everyone thought i was cool (or funny at least) AT LAST!!! ACCEPTANCE!!! WHOOP!! i'll leave it there for now because my hands are a bit shaky and it's getting hard to type.

First post.

Ok, i've never made a blog before so this will be interesting for me. What i intend to do here is put together parts of a book i studied and re-wrote while i was in rehab for drugs and to also expand on other stuff i have read and add in my own personal experience of trying to understand my disorders and my unhealthy relationship with food, body image and all that goes along with that stuff.

I wont say that i'm an expert because i'm not, i have no formal qualifications in mental health or psychology. However, what i do have is 20 years experience of living a disordered life and through lots of soul searching, counselling, reading and making connections about my behaviour, feelings and thoughts have come to understand a little better why i do what i do.

I'll update this soon with my first essay. Thanks for reading, pete.    :)